365 lines
9.6 KiB
JavaScript
365 lines
9.6 KiB
JavaScript
import sql from "../sql.mjs";
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import fetch from "flumm-fetch-cookies";
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const data = {
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abschieben: [],
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kaffee: [],
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tee: [],
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milch: [],
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quotes_firecooler: [],
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quotes_kinski: [],
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quotes_stoll: [],
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quotes_boll: []
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};
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export default async bot => {
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for(const cur in data) {
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const rows = (await sql.query("select data from useless where trigger = $1 limit 1", [cur])).rows[0];
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data[cur] = JSON.parse(rows.data);
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}
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return [{
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name: "abschieben",
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call: /^(\.|\/)abschieben/i,
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set: "uwe",
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f: e => {
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e.replyAction(`schiebt [b]${e.args.join(" ") || e.user.nick}[/b] ${data.abschieben[~~(Math.random() * data.abschieben.length)]} ab.`);
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}
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}, {
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name: "butterkäse",
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call: /^(\.|\/)butterkäse/i,
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set: "uwe",
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f: e => {
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e.replyAction(`drischt mit einem großen Stück Butterkäse auf [b]${e.args.join(" ") || e.user.nick}[/b] ein.`);
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}
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}, {
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name: "notschlachten",
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call: /^(\.|\/)notschlachten/i,
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set: "uwe",
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f: e => {
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e.replyAction(`notschlachtet [b]${e.args.join(" ") || e.user.nick}[/b] und entsorgt die Leiche im Biomüll`);
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}
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}, {
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name: "lachs",
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call: /^(\.|\/)lachs/i,
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set: "uwe",
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f: e => {
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e.reply("öhöhöhöhöhöhö");
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}
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}, {
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name: "kaffee",
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call: /^(\.|\/)kaffee/i,
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set: "uwe",
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f: e => {
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e.replyAction(data.kaffee[~~(Math.random() * data.kaffee.length)].replace("{user}", `[b]${e.args.join(" ") || e.user.nick}[/b]`));
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}
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}, {
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name: "milch",
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call: /^(\.|\/)milch /i,
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set: "uwe",
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f: e => {
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e.replyAction(data.milch[~~(Math.random() * data.milch.length)].replace("{user}", `[b]${e.args.join(" ") || e.user.nick}[/b]`));
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}
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}, {
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name: "milchkaffee",
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call: /^(\.|\/)milchkaffee/i,
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set: "uwe",
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f: e => {
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e.replyAction(`serviert [b]${e.args.join(" ") || e.user.nick}[/b] einen heißen halbschwarzen Kaffee mit 99% Kondensmilchanteil.`);
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}
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}, {
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name: "tee",
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call: /^(\.|\/)tee/i,
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set: "uwe",
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f: e => {
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e.replyAction(data.tee[~~(Math.random() * data.tee.length)].replace("{user}", `[b]${e.args.join(" ") || e.user.nick}[/b]`));
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}
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}, {
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name: "uwe_quotes",
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call: /^(\.|\/)(boll|firecooler|kinski|stoll)$/i,
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set: "uwe",
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f: e => {
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e.reply(data[`quotes_${e.cmd.toLowerCase()}`][~~(Math.random() * data[`quotes_${e.cmd.toLowerCase()}`].length)]);
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}
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}, {
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name:"wusel",
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call: /^(\.|\/)wusel/i,
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set: "uwe",
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f: e => {
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e.replyAction(`wuselt [b]${e.args.join(" ") || e.user.nick}[/b] über den Haufen.`);
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}
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}, {
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name: "mett",
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call: /^(\.|\/)mett/i,
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set: "uwe",
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f: e => {
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e.reply(`Jamba Mettscanner: [b]${e.args.join(" ") || e.user.nick}[/b] ist zu ${~~(Math.random() * 100 + 1)}% Mett.`);
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}
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}, {
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name: "unfaehig",
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call: /^(\.|\/)unfähig/i,
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set: "uwe",
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f: e => {
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e.reply(`Jamba Fähigkeitenscanner: [b]${e.args.join(" ") || e.user.nick}[/b] ist zu ${~~(Math.random() * 100 + 1)}% unfähig.`);
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}
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}, {
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name: "rotenburg",
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call: /^(\.|\/)rotenburg/i,
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set: "uwe",
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f: e => {
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e.replyAction(`verarbeitet [b]${e.args.join(" ") || e.user.nick}[/b] zu Hackfleisch.`);
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}
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}, {
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name: "pee",
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call: /^(\.|\/)pee/i,
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set: "uwe",
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f: e => {
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e.replyAction(`pisst in [b]${e.args.join(" ") || e.user.nick}[/b]s Gesicht.`);
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}
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}, {
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name: "ike",
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call: /^ike/i,
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set: "uwe",
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f: e => {
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e.reply("ike ike!");
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}
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}, {
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name: "rip",
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call: /^rip/i,
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set: "uwe",
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f: e => {
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e.reply("Rust in Pitabrot");
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}
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}, {
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name: "haram",
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call: /^(\.|\/)haram/i,
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set: "uwe",
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f: e => {
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e.reply(`[b]${e.args.join(" ") || e.user.nick}[/b] ist ${(~~(Math.random() * 2) ? "haram" : "nicht haram")}.`);
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}
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}, {
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name: "sacklutscher",
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call: /^(\.|\/)lutschsack/i,
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set: "uwe",
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f: e => {
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e.reply(`[b]${e.user.nick}[/b] legt Rosen aus und lutscht den Sack von [b]${e.args.join(" ") || e.user.nick}[/b]`);
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}
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}, {
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name: "kawaii",
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call: /kawaii/i,
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set: "uwe",
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f: e => {
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e.reply("⌒(o＾▽＾o)ノ so much kawaii");
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}
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}, {
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name: "hurrdurr",
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call: /^hurr$/i,
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set: "uwe",
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f: e => {
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e.reply("durr");
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}
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}, {
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name: "herpderp",
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call: /^herp$/i,
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set: "uwe",
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f: e => {
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e.reply("derp");
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}
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}, {
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name: "wasser",
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call: /^(\.|\/)wasser/i,
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set: "uwe",
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f: e => {
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e.replyAction(`kippt [b]${e.args.join(" ") || e.user.nick}[/b] einen Eimer Wasser über den Kopf.`);
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}
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}, {
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name: "normie",
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call: /^(\.|\/)normie/i,
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set: "uwe",
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f: e => {
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e.reply(`Jamba Normiescanner: [b]${e.args.join(" ") || e.user.nick}[/b] ist zu ${~~(Math.random() * 100 + 1)}% ein Normie.`);
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}
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}, {
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name: "hyper",
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call: /^(\.|\/)hyper$/i,
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set: "uwe",
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f: e => {
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e.reply("[b]GET HYPER![/b]");
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}
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}, {
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name: "F",
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call: /^f$/i,
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set: "uwe",
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f: e => {
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e.reply(e.message);
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}
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}, {
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name: "bark",
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call: /^(\.|\/)bark$/i,
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set: "uwe",
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f: e => {
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e.reply("BARK BARK BARK");
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}
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}, {
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name: "meditieren",
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call: /^(\.|\/)meditieren/i,
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set: "uwe",
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f: e => {
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e.replyAction(`meditiert zusammen mit [b]${e.args.join(" ") || e.user.nick}[/b] Metta.`);
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}
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}, {
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name: "duden",
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call: /^(\.|\/)duden/i,
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set: "uwe",
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f: e => {
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e.replyAction(`drischt mit einem großen Duden auf [b]${e.args.join(" ") || e.user.nick}[/b] ein.`);
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}
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}, {
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name: "kscht",
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call: /^(\.|\/)kscht/i,
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set: "uwe",
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f: e => {
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e.replyAction(`jagt [b]${e.args.join(" ") || e.user.nick}[/b] durch den Raum.`);
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}
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}, {
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name: "bullenpisse",
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call: /^(\.|\/)bullenpisse/i,
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set: "uwe",
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f: e => {
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e.replyAction(`zapft ein Fläschchen feinsten Bullenurin, verarbeitet diesen zu Red-Bull und serviert ihn [b]${e.args.join(" ") || e.user.nick}[/b] in Form einer Pfanddose.`);
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}
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}, {
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name: "lungenkrebs",
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call: /^(\.|\/)lungenkrebs/i,
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set: "uwe",
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f: e => {
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e.replyAction(`dreht [b]${e.args.join(" ") || e.user.nick}[/b] einen prall gefüllten Sargnagel mit feinstem Schwarzer Krauser.`);
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}
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}, {
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name: "rose",
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call: /^(\.|\/)rose/i,
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set: "uwe",
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f: e => {
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e.replyAction(`schenkt [b]${e.args.join(" ") || e.user.nick}[/b] eine [color=red]~~{~[@}[/color]`);
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}
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}, {
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name: "wienerle",
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call: /^(\.|\/)wienerle/i,
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set: "uwe",
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f: e => {
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e.replyAction(`serviert [b]${e.args.join(" ") || e.user.nick}[/b] ein kaltes Wienerle mit etwas Wurstwasser.`);
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}
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}, {
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name: "joke",
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call: /^(\.|\/)joke$/i,
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set: "uwe",
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f: e => { ///
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fetch("https://icanhazdadjoke.com/slack")
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.then(res => res.json())
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.then(res => {
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res = res.attachments[0].text;
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if(e.network !== "Telegram") {
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res
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.match(/.{1,450}/g)
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.map(e.reply);
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}
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else
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e.reply(res);
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}).catch(err => console.log(err));
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}
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}, { ///
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name: "version",
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call: /^\.version/i,
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set: "uwe",
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clients: ["irc"],
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f: e => {
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e.socket.once("data", res => {
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let verstring;
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try {
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verstring = res.match(/\u0001VERSION (.*?)\u0001/)[1];
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}
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catch(err) {
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verstring = false;
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};
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if(verstring)
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e.reply(`${e.user.nick}: ${verstring}`);
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});
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e.write(`privmsg ${e.args[0] || e.user.nick} :\u0001VERSION\u0001`);
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}
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}, { ///
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name: "sync",
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call: /^\.sync.*/i,
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set: "uwe",
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f: e => {
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const sync = e.args[0] || "80s90s";
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fetch(`https://f0ck.space/sync.php?${sync}`)
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.then(res => res.json())
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.then(data => {
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if(data.err)
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e.reply("Channel nicht gefunden D:");
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else
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e.reply(`${data.name} @ https://sync.f0ck.space/r/${data.name} : ${data.user} Users, now playing: ${decodeURIComponent(data.title)}`);
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}).catch(err => e.reply("Channel nicht gefunden D:"));
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}
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}, {
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name: "blech",
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call: /^(\.|\/)blech/i,
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set: "uwe",
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f: e => {
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e.replyAction(`bereitet [b]${e.args.join(" ") || e.user.nick}[/b] ein Blech Schore zu. Viel Vergnügen du Siffscheiße.`);
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}
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}, {
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name: "joghurt",
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call: /^(\.|\/)joghurt/i,
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set: "uwe",
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f: e => {
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e.replyAction(`spritzt [b]${e.args.join(" ") || e.user.nick}[/b] 500ml Joghurt in den Arsch.`);
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}
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}, {
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name: "kelly",
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call: /^(\.|\/)kelly/i,
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set: "uwe",
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f: e => {
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e.replyAction(`dreht [b]${e.args.join(" ") || e.user.nick}[/b]'s dreckige Kelly Family Musik leiser und spuckt [b]${e.args.join(" ") || e.user.nick}[/b] ins Gesicht.`);
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}
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}, {
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name: "pflaumen",
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call: /^(\.|\/)pflaumen/i,
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set: "uwe",
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f: e => {
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e.replyAction(`sieht, wie [b]${e.args.join(" ") || e.user.nick}[/b] Pflaumen aus dem Arsch fallen.`);
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}
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}, {
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name: "quark",
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call: /^(\.|\/)quark/i,
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set: "uwe",
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f: e => {
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e.replyAction(`schiebt [b]${e.args.join(" ") || e.user.nick}[/b] 500g dickflüssigen Quark in den soften Arsch.`);
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}
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}, {
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name: "shrug",
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call: /^so what$/i,
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set: "uwe",
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f: e => {
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e.reply("¯\\_(ツ)_/¯");
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}
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}, {
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name: "wiedergeburt",
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call: /^(\.|\/)wiedergeburt$/i,
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set: "uwe",
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f: e => {
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e.reply("spielt Wiedergeburt aus, legt nxy vom Friedhof in die Monsterzone und beendet seinen Zug.");
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}
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}, {
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name: "bible",
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call: /^(\.|\/)bible$/i,
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active: false,
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f: async e => {
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const bib = await (await fetch("http://getbible.net/json?version=luther1912")).json();
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e.reply(Object.keys(bib));
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}
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}];
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};
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